I always though the hardest part of traveling is to say goodbye, to leave family and friends and adjust to a new lifestyle. It's not, that is the easiest part, the new Hello, with all the freedom is waving hello at you on the other side of that gate. Of course the part where you say goodbye and actually have to take that step into the gate and leave whoever took you to the airport isn't the easiest thing in the world and oh boy did I cry when I went to America. But as soon as I went to the security check it was all gone, the worries, the sadness, all replaced by excitement and that electric wave of adventure that flows through your body and can keep you going for 72 hours like nothing else!
The hardest part is coming back home, leaving this adventure that formed you into the person you are so proud to are, that gave you so many new opportunities to grow, to sculpt your view of the world, the freedom to be you and show the real you in a whole new social environment. I came back from adventures twice now and both times I was a mess, the first time physically and mentally and the second time mentally. No I didn't go crazy, but I did have a little trouble adjusting myself into the German way of living after living the gypsy life for 6 months in New Zealand.
My experiences were quite different from each other which shows, that everyone deals with coming home differently. When I came back from America I had a displaced disc and was in severe pain, to the extend that Matt had to carry me to the bathroom. I was a mess. The first two weeks after coming home I was fighting off an UTI with strong antibiotics and the jetlag wasn't really helping me. The fact that Matt was leaving for New Zealand didn't really help either. I had a Chaos in my head, I wanted Matt to be with me and was heartbroken to not be seeing him for 10 months, I wanted to go back to America and go back to living the adventure and be with my host kids, I wanted the pain in my back to simply go away, but there was nothing I could do.
My Physiotherapist gave me a few honest words along the lines of: "You have a decision to make, either you stay in bed, feeling sorry for yourself making up excuses and it will take around 6 months to a year for your back to heal, or you get up, do your excercises and find something to thrive for and you will be happy and your back healed in no time!". So that was what I did, I got up, grabbed life by it's opportunities and went out there, it didn't take me long to find something to fight for, I wanted to visit Matt and travel a little bit with him. One week later I had a financial overlook and knew what I had to do to earn enough Money to go to New Zealand. Two weeks of exercising three times a day my back stopped hurting and I gained some more mobility in my back. Three weeks later I found a job, that I ABSOLUTELY LOVED at a bookstore. And along the way I found my inspiration, my motivation and my happiness, I still had bad days and I cried quite a lot, I can't count how many times I have laid in my best friends arms and boiled my eyes out (and we are not talking the pretty kind of crying, I mean the ugly kind of whaling, snot dripping out of your nose and into your mouth kind of crying, so props to Alex for sacrificing his T-shirts as made shift tissues for me).
It was just a few simple words said by my Physiotherpist that made me turn my daily life upsidedown and I couldn't be more thankful for it.
Sometimes all you need is a kick in the butt and figuring out something to thrive for, may that be more traveling, finding a job or the decision to go to college. Important is that you pick something, an aim, a success and set your steps into that direction!
Coming back from New Zealand I was already feeling down before I left, I wanted to stay, not letting this adventure end, wanting to travel further, explore more, grow into the person I aspire to be. I wasn't done being a gypsy, living as I wish, searching and finding happiness, listening to my gut and doing what feels right. I wasn't ready to go home and let all of this go, it felt like I was in the middle of something amazing, growing more then I could ever at home, like I am missing out on something. I wanted more time. I think it was Eric that told me some wise words when he left, he said that now his chapter of travling is done and a new chapter in his life begins that he is just as excited for. CLICK that was what I needed to hear, I had the chance to get into an amazing vacational training program in an even better company. Focusing on what was ahead of me and how much I will grow and learn instead of focusing on what I might miss changed my whole outlook on going back, it made me super excited! Changing my perspective on what was ahead of me helped me overcome that feeling of grieve when thinking about leaving. Here is what I posted on Facebook the day I was leaving New Zealand: " had a really rough last morning in New Zealand. Saying goodbye to this beautiful country and the kind people is harder than I thought. Especailly after spending 2 weeks in the awesome Fat Cat Travellers Community where I spend my days practising my yoga na dtalking to oh so many beautiful souls! After shedding some tears (and oh lord I could just start again) I decided to count my blessings and it made me ridiculously happy. I am I thankful for the people I met here, the lessons I've learned, the places I got to see, the memories that I have made and finally all the hugs and love I got to feel. But what is even more important is that I found true pure happiness and learned how to pursue it, and I am so utterly scared to loose it again that I need to keep on remembering all those good times and tell myself that I will be alright back in Germany, because that is what will happen, I will be reunited with my friends, family and my dog, that I missed to dearly! It is hard to say goodbye to an adventure, but it'll definitely not be my last!"
Coming home I had the worst kind of wanderlust, post travel depression or whatever you want to call it. I had quite the trouble adjusting to the fast and hectic lifestyle, the rules and the mentality. I was a colourful hippie in ballonpants trying to desperatly hold onto the positive way of thinking in between a crowd of stressed out, business suit wearing unfriendly and negative people. Working in the company helped me to get a new outlook on the situation, everyone was welcoming, understanding, still it took longer to adjust then I would have wanted it. I put myself under so much stress and pressure to be perfect and show everyone how much I have grown that my body decided to signal me to stopp through morning sickness, skipping my period, no appetite, headaches and constantly feeling tired. Taking a beak and changing my view was mandatory, but I got up, I decided to be soft on myself. I needed time, that is okay, you can't adjust to life back home in just a few weeks, it is going to take months and you will never be the person you were a year ago, there will be differences, don't try to fit into the spot you were, create a new one, thrive for happiness and do what feels right. Be soft on yourself, you changed, but for the better. Accept that you are different now and love yourself for it. I have come a long way in the past 4 months and I am incredibly proud of myself. I am one hell of a badass women and you are too (or a badass man)!
Stay happy and love yourself, because you deserve it!
Love;
Kiki
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